Post by drunkensolamnic on Aug 9, 2015 12:50:15 GMT -5
I believe its finally settled in my mind. I write this now to settle it firmly, so I might reflect on it later.
I finally managed to beg and plead my way in on the Angel case with the Coppers and Chesters. I don't know that any of them will ever understand how personal this was for me. I'm not sure I even knew myself, given what it was we found. I learned things, things about myself and the world in which I live. Things that need changed, and things which need further study.
The Angel is gone, the creature which was the source has been released from this life. Now that I am calmer, I don't entirely know if it was an angel as one would think of by God's side. Nor do I entirely know if it was one of Lazaar's own. The creature was different, from anything I'd been told of either... which is truly hardly more than folktales. What I do know is that it is evidence that there are things different from us, so different that their blood is poison to the touch yet they live, out there. If a creature such as that can exist, why not a true angel? While I regret my reaction to seeing the creature... and am no longer so certain of what I saw; my conclusions are the same. This is surely evidence that God is there, that the saints are there. I'm mildly haunted by the thought that in their haste to act my companions may have obliterated the best source we'd have had to rediscovering Her Name.
I am ashamed of myself. I froze, I've rarely been so terrified in my life. My senses were overwhelmed, the scared girl who was enslaved overcame the woman she grew into. I curled in a ball and hid, and ran screaming when the fighting began. I know Samuel will forgive me, and that few outside the Templars will fault me for fleeing, but I still am ashamed. Why is it I can face a horde, with firm faith in Bruce and myself to survive... but when I thought I was looking upon a servant of God.. and it was entering battle with us.. I could do naught but flee?
I am troubled with myself. I decapitated those men, they were Crowders, they were thieves and would-be murderers. Yet.. am I a barbarian? Am I ruthless enough to have truly bought into my logic or have I simply lost my center that much? I am beginning to feel as I did during those first few months of freedom. Lost, not knowing who I am. To make it worse, that... uncertainty of who I am, who I want to be is spilling out. Vivianne mistreated me. Worse, she was trying to rekindle a conflict that is centuries old. I cannot be unhappy she is gone, but the fact I found immediate joy at her death. At the thought of her burning before the very manner of creatures her teachings tell her cannot exist, or have left us... This troubles me. Now that I am calm, I no longer feel joy. I do feel however, more at peace, a peace of mind that a tormentor and troublemaker has moved on. I do however regret it was with her death, and not with her seeing reason or simply moving elsewhere in this world. I've said words to people, and in hearing of people that I regret.
I've apologized and need to rightfully so... so many times in the last few days. I dont know what is getting into me, but perhaps it is the stress of not knowing what my footing is? Was my life so simple serving the desires of others, that I am now crumbling at the complications of seeking my own path? Is it simply lack of sleep? I dont know how to make right the words I said of Vivianne, I dont know how to make them sound sincere even if I had the words.
I do know I need to sleep. I feel guilty for taking the time to myself. I know Zesiro is upset, she wouldn't have desired to come with me to bed if she did not need my closeness; but I need my solitude for a time. I need to be away from people and center myself as me again. I need to talk to Zesiro, in earnest. I need to keep a firm hold of myself, it is worrisome that I cannot break who I am now from who I was before. I hope it doesn't hurt her too much for us to be friends, but she must be made to understand soon. She cannot trust my heart, for I cannot. I was forced to sell it too many times, I've pretended to love for so long I don't even know how to stop myself from doing it.
My chains are broken. My body is under my control.
I no longer am men's Slave.
I cannot escape the chains in my heart. I cannot control my own mind.
I am still in my soul the Whore.
Saints help me to overcome my past. God guide me to become what you desire of me.
My heart longs to be your Flame.
My beauty is to be envied. My talents are honed to a fine edge.
My identity is yet to be forged.
Who am I?
I finally managed to beg and plead my way in on the Angel case with the Coppers and Chesters. I don't know that any of them will ever understand how personal this was for me. I'm not sure I even knew myself, given what it was we found. I learned things, things about myself and the world in which I live. Things that need changed, and things which need further study.
The Angel is gone, the creature which was the source has been released from this life. Now that I am calmer, I don't entirely know if it was an angel as one would think of by God's side. Nor do I entirely know if it was one of Lazaar's own. The creature was different, from anything I'd been told of either... which is truly hardly more than folktales. What I do know is that it is evidence that there are things different from us, so different that their blood is poison to the touch yet they live, out there. If a creature such as that can exist, why not a true angel? While I regret my reaction to seeing the creature... and am no longer so certain of what I saw; my conclusions are the same. This is surely evidence that God is there, that the saints are there. I'm mildly haunted by the thought that in their haste to act my companions may have obliterated the best source we'd have had to rediscovering Her Name.
I am ashamed of myself. I froze, I've rarely been so terrified in my life. My senses were overwhelmed, the scared girl who was enslaved overcame the woman she grew into. I curled in a ball and hid, and ran screaming when the fighting began. I know Samuel will forgive me, and that few outside the Templars will fault me for fleeing, but I still am ashamed. Why is it I can face a horde, with firm faith in Bruce and myself to survive... but when I thought I was looking upon a servant of God.. and it was entering battle with us.. I could do naught but flee?
I am troubled with myself. I decapitated those men, they were Crowders, they were thieves and would-be murderers. Yet.. am I a barbarian? Am I ruthless enough to have truly bought into my logic or have I simply lost my center that much? I am beginning to feel as I did during those first few months of freedom. Lost, not knowing who I am. To make it worse, that... uncertainty of who I am, who I want to be is spilling out. Vivianne mistreated me. Worse, she was trying to rekindle a conflict that is centuries old. I cannot be unhappy she is gone, but the fact I found immediate joy at her death. At the thought of her burning before the very manner of creatures her teachings tell her cannot exist, or have left us... This troubles me. Now that I am calm, I no longer feel joy. I do feel however, more at peace, a peace of mind that a tormentor and troublemaker has moved on. I do however regret it was with her death, and not with her seeing reason or simply moving elsewhere in this world. I've said words to people, and in hearing of people that I regret.
I've apologized and need to rightfully so... so many times in the last few days. I dont know what is getting into me, but perhaps it is the stress of not knowing what my footing is? Was my life so simple serving the desires of others, that I am now crumbling at the complications of seeking my own path? Is it simply lack of sleep? I dont know how to make right the words I said of Vivianne, I dont know how to make them sound sincere even if I had the words.
I do know I need to sleep. I feel guilty for taking the time to myself. I know Zesiro is upset, she wouldn't have desired to come with me to bed if she did not need my closeness; but I need my solitude for a time. I need to be away from people and center myself as me again. I need to talk to Zesiro, in earnest. I need to keep a firm hold of myself, it is worrisome that I cannot break who I am now from who I was before. I hope it doesn't hurt her too much for us to be friends, but she must be made to understand soon. She cannot trust my heart, for I cannot. I was forced to sell it too many times, I've pretended to love for so long I don't even know how to stop myself from doing it.
My chains are broken. My body is under my control.
I no longer am men's Slave.
I cannot escape the chains in my heart. I cannot control my own mind.
I am still in my soul the Whore.
Saints help me to overcome my past. God guide me to become what you desire of me.
My heart longs to be your Flame.
My beauty is to be envied. My talents are honed to a fine edge.
My identity is yet to be forged.
Who am I?